Not so well off...

What ever happened to me? I was happy once, with the woman I loved so deeply. I cannot understand when, how, & what happened. It was but a dream maybe. But 4 years.... All a dream...

It must be so, or maybe now I am dreamin' , yes! I must be dreaming! But why does the pain feel so real? Why does it hurt so much? Why does my chest feel crushed and my shoulders feel heavy? Why does my heart ache? Why does it feel that my heart bleeds thou there is no wound? or is there a wound unseen to the eye... It was good back then. It's not so good right now. I don't think I will be well off even in the moments to come..

-Toshiro

Whisper

Toshiro wants to say many things to her, He want to say different compliments, he wants to let her know how much he feels about her. He would want to say to her, speak to her, praise her, phrases like...

I miss you.

You look beautiful today.

Your hair looks better when hanging loosely.

You're clothes suit you wonderfully.

I always like the way you smile.

I like hearing your sweet voice.

I was just looking at the sun.

I had a dream last night...

When do you think we would get.....

I need a hug.

My heart is shouting you name.

I Love you.

Take care.

To this moment, Toshiro wonders when he can tell her these words, phrases that have been stuck in his head for quite a long time now. He wonders when or if ever these constructed sentences would leave his mouth. Toshiro could only whisper these words, where no one can hear.

I can't stop loving you

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Dreams of yesterday)
Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memories of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Those happy hours)
Those happy hours
(That we once knew)
That we once knew
(Tho' long ago)
Tho' long ago
(Still make me blue)
Still ma-a-a-ake me blue
(They say that time)
They say that time
(Heals a broken heart)
Heals a broken heart
(But time has stood still)
Time has stood still
(Since we've been apart)
Since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I said I made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(Sing a song, children)
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life of dreams of yesterday
(Of yesterday)

s

*Toshiro thought alot about his feelings...

This song kept popping into his head...

Glimpse

Toshiro suddenly came upon a chance, a chance to see, to hear, and to talk to her...

It came through the net, Toshiro got a hold of a common friend, let us call him J.

J greeted Toshiro thru an online social site where he asked if he could view his webcam.

Toshiro was uneasy at first but he said to himself "Maybe, even it is the slightest chance, maybe he could see her." By luck may have it, Toshiro was able to see her, It was blurred but she was there. Toshiro couldn't wipe the smile off his face. Then J called Toshiro online, this was inevitable, J wanted to talk to Toshiro, whilst they were talking Toshiro heard a familiar voice, it was her voice, Toshiro smiled even more now. though he was not able to talk to her, He was happy! but alas it was only for a few minutes...

After the conversation, they had to bid farewell. Maybe some other time they would see each other. J said goodbye and so did Toshiro. It was time to rest... Now Toshiro is alone once more and once again falling into deep thought...

Many things

Toshiro wanted so many things right now, but most of those things he wanted to do, to say to, to see with her. He wanted to say "I miss you." He wanted to go somewhere with her. He wanted to spend time with her. He wanted to eat something with her. He wanted to watch the stars with her. He wanted to embrace her. He wanted to stroke her hair. He wanted to hold her hand. he wanted so many things, so many words to say, so many acts of affection, so many journeys not taken, But the thing he wanted the most is to do or most likely to say is....

"I Love you. I miss you. I want to be with you."

Toshiro tries to understand his feelings

Toshiro started to arrange the feelings he had. All the mixed emotions that were squeezed in to his heart. All the major and minor stress that he felt were all coming from his emotions. He wanted to understand them and calm the turmoil he has been feeling for the sake of positivity. He started to list his feelings down,

Jealousy

Anger

Sorrow

Pain

Confused

Guilt

Condemned

Unworthy

Alone

Depressed

Uneasy

Wishful

Rejected

There were many more emotions mixed within those but Toshiro only listed the ones the most affect his way of thinking. He was still unable to understand what is going on within himself. He found out that there is still one of his emotions that is intact. But he did not know what to do with this emotion. It is the emotion that created all the other listed feelings. It was Love. He was still definitely in-Love with her. He really didn't understand why, after all that has happened, he is still deeply in-Love with her. He felt that he sure of this. He really, really is madly in-love with her, that is why he can't let go so easily. He doesn't want to let go.

LOVE

She was everything...

She was everything and yet can't be compared to anything.

Toshiro misses her, he started to remember things that he may never see, hear, & feel. Toshiro was lying down on his bed, gripping his pillow tight, remembering and reminiscing her. He said to himself, "Her eyes, if you look into them, you see beauty and innocence. Her embrace, is loving and strong. Her hands, if you hold them, they're soft and warm. Her hair, is silky and smooth. Her lips are bright red and inviting. her skin is smooth and fair. Her touch, is subtle but caring. Her voice, is sweet and understanding. Her personality is childish but responsible. Her character is strong but friendly. She is the most eccentric human being I have met, and yet she is the most beautiful person I know now."

" She is my everything."

Toshiro paused for a moment then talked to himself agian.

"I miss her and I will always love her."

Audible feelings

This is what Toshiro felt when he saw her. And this is still what he feels even more now. He was unable to explain his feelings to himself, so he looked for a song that relates to at least one of the feelings during his comfuzzled relationship. He sang to himself. he sang with all his heart, but he sang softly, where only his heart can hear it, because Toshiro's heart needs someone to lullaby it. he sang

"You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you."

with a soft and fading voice, he sang...

He and She

Toshiro was in deep thought the past few hours. He has been thinking about his relationship with her. As he remembered, when he said "I love you" she would answer "I love you too." He would smile and she would blush. He would look into her eyes, she would open her eyes as wide as she can and then look away. He would dance like a fool and she would stop him. He would laugh and she would smile. He would be busy with something, she would kiss him suddenly. He would hug her and she would hug back. And when he thought he heard that their love would last Forever, there was no such thing, apparently, he was only thinking that there was.... he tried to understand her, she tried to be there for him. He tried to be the perfect boyfriend, She was already Perfect. He wanted it to be a "forever." he wanted it to last, he wanted her, he was deeply in-love with her,

he and she were different.

The dream

Toshiro had a dream last night. He was happy in his dream, because he was with his loved one. It was like old times, when they would talk to eachother. they were having a cup of coffee then. Everything else was white and blurry but Toshiro saw her soo clearly, she was there in front of him, he was there in front of her, he reached out to touch her hand, he felt the warmth of her hand. could this be true? Is she really here with me? I hope this never ends. Toshiro told himself but exactly at that moment, something caught his eye and he turned to his left. She was there smiling and walking away. Then Toshiro awoke, at first, silence, then he heard his fan buzzing, the birds chirping, the wind blowing, the leaves brushing against each other.

He was alone.

The date

The date is March 4, 2011, but It's not the month or the year Toshiro is thinking about. It's the number 4. Today he was or it should have been 4 years and 9 months. It should have been...

That's what he is thinking about. why? when? where? and how? could've it gone wrong.... only qusetions popped into Toshiro's head. he didn't find the answers nor the solutions to his problems at the moment. All he could do is sit there and take another gulp of the drink beside him. What will I do now? he asks the other Toshiro who was looking at him thru a mirror but the question was thrown back at him.

Toshiro on looks the great depression in him...

As Toshiro sits down and has a cup of coffee....

he thinks about the situation he is in right now...

he looks back to his cup of coffee and thinks to himself.....

I remember, not soo long ago, I shared my cup of coffee with someone....

someone special, someone who was beautiful, loving, kind, caring, sweet....

a friend who also is a lover......

I remember her so clearly, and yet why is not with me?

Toshiro asks himself....

He takes a sip from the cup of coffee...

lights a cigarette.... then his mind wanders off to nowhere.....

What the effin' is wrong...

I dunno....

I can't understand anymore.....

my brain does not register the facts of life...

I don't want to accept reality....

It's like fallacy but it feels sooo freakin' real....

I pains me to see the truth...

that I am a hindrance to her.....

That I am a small spec in life that could be simply replaced with him...

I freaking want to shout my lungs out and rip my heart...

to feel no pain...

to be numb.....

to be selfish....

to be human....

I want to be free....

from hatred...

jealousy....

uneasiness....

anger.....

desire....

I want nothing......

I am wrong....