What the effin' is wrong...

I dunno....

I can't understand anymore.....

my brain does not register the facts of life...

I don't want to accept reality....

It's like fallacy but it feels sooo freakin' real....

I pains me to see the truth...

that I am a hindrance to her.....

That I am a small spec in life that could be simply replaced with him...

I freaking want to shout my lungs out and rip my heart...

to feel no pain...

to be numb.....

to be selfish....

to be human....

I want to be free....

from hatred...

jealousy....

uneasiness....

anger.....

desire....

I want nothing......

I am wrong....

please don't...

please don't do anything rash Toshiro. This is not what I intended for to happen. Just please don't...

blank......

Not soo good anymore, that is how Toshiro feels. He has no way of Thinking straight. He fell into a hole he dug himself and he can't seem to climb up that hole. He keeps on trying and trying and trying, but he fails and fails and fails. This is something he really wants to get out of. It's a problem he can't run away from. Because, if he doesn't solve this he will lose every single thing that he had wished for, that he had hoped for... This is something he must face like all the other times he tried to face it but got scared. He was now in shock, in panic, in anger, in pain, in darkness. Toshiro is now at the edge of cliff in his mind, soo scared to look down, trying to grab something just to hold on, He dosen't want to fall into the darkness. he doesn't want to be left all alone, he desn't want to lose, he doesn't want to be here at this moment in time, at this cold place he is in, at this empty space where no one is beside him... he writes something and......

Toshiro's mid-day madness...

Toshiro did not understand, but he felt it. He realized that amongst everything that has happened to him this may be the last thing he ever does feel. Will insanity be his last path? or may he walk the other way? What must he do for his atonement? Innocence of the world is not a crime. It is just pushed unto him. May he not be himself? May he not be Toshiro?

Present...

The words that once filled my heart, now tore it open...
The sweetness that once was there, now has turned to silence...
The happiness which was once felt, is now noting more than a dream...

It hurts soo much that no one would understand...
It feels to painful for anyone to do anything....
It squeezes my heart but I feel like I'm suffocating...

First I thought I was only Dreaming,
Then I found out the truth.
That this could never be a Dream...
because Everything hurts soo True..

I cannot simply understand...
I cannot find my way...
I cannot believe your words....
I was hoping for you to stay...

Now there is something wrong..
Now there is nothing left...
Now there is just now...
The future I dream't about is gone...

hello?

The slightest change in tone....
The simple change of Dictation......
The Certain choice of Words.....

I already Know....

The voice that was Once Sweet
is now Filled with Sorrow....
The spoken Words that were Said
with Care are now suddenly Plain and Blunt...
The Answers the were lovingly mouthed
are Now enticed With Sadness.....
The calm Breathing has now turned
to Breathing heavily...

From this I Know..
I know that...
You
are
Sad...

Then it happened...

For so long to date, I have unwritten. Nothing in mind, nothing in soul...
Each task done with no thought, each step taken had no place....
Then it happened....