Take a Dive into My Mind..

Wariness

2012-01-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

I was awake once,
it was long ago,
when there was warmth,

and when there was light.

I was at ease once.
It was when there was someone,
a person who could have been a permanent part
of my life.

I was happy once,

when I was able to smile,

and when I was able to see her smile,

but in an instant it was gone.

Harsh

2012-01-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

Fleeting ideas, Thoughts if you wish to add...

Understanding oneself is harder that any math problem out there...

It may consume time, effort and everything that you have...

Fleeting feelings, Emotions if you mind...

Letting go or holding on may be harder than anything you have dreamed...

It will devour every bit of you...

Fleeting...

The world is harsh...

Not so well off...

2011-03-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

What ever happened to me? I was happy once, with the woman I loved so deeply. I cannot understand when, how, & what happened. It was but a dream maybe. But 4 years.... All a dream...

It must be so, or maybe now I am dreamin' , yes! I must be dreaming! But why does the pain feel so real? Why does it hurt so much? Why does my chest feel crushed and my shoulders feel heavy? Why does my heart ache? Why does it feel that my heart bleeds thou there is no wound? or is there a wound unseen to the eye... It was good back then. It's not so good right now. I don't think I will be well off even in the moments to come..

-Toshiro

Whisper

2011-03-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

Toshiro wants to say many things to her, He want to say different compliments, he wants to let her know how much he feels about her. He would want to say to her, speak to her, praise her, phrases like...

I miss you.

You look beautiful today.

Your hair looks better when hanging loosely.

You're clothes suit you wonderfully.

I always like the way you smile.

I like hearing your sweet voice.

I was just looking at the sun.

I had a dream last night...

When do you think we would get.....

I need a hug.

My heart is shouting you name.

I Love you.

Take care.

To this moment, Toshiro wonders when he can tell her these words, phrases that have been stuck in his head for quite a long time now. He wonders when or if ever these constructed sentences would leave his mouth. Toshiro could only whisper these words, where no one can hear.

I can't stop loving you

2011-03-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Dreams of yesterday)
Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memories of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Those happy hours)
Those happy hours
(That we once knew)
That we once knew
(Tho' long ago)
Tho' long ago
(Still make me blue)
Still ma-a-a-ake me blue
(They say that time)
They say that time
(Heals a broken heart)
Heals a broken heart
(But time has stood still)
Time has stood still
(Since we've been apart)
Since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I said I made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(Sing a song, children)
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life of dreams of yesterday
(Of yesterday)

*Toshiro thought alot about his feelings...

This song kept popping into his head...

Glimpse

2011-03-10T10:07:00.000-08:00

Toshiro suddenly came upon a chance, a chance to see, to hear, and to talk to her...

It came through the net, Toshiro got a hold of a common friend, let us call him J.

J greeted Toshiro thru an online social site where he asked if he could view his webcam.

Toshiro was uneasy at first but he said to himself "Maybe, even it is the slightest chance, maybe he could see her." By luck may have it, Toshiro was able to see her, It was blurred but she was there. Toshiro couldn't wipe the smile off his face. Then J called Toshiro online, this was inevitable, J wanted to talk to Toshiro, whilst they were talking Toshiro heard a familiar voice, it was her voice, Toshiro smiled even more now. though he was not able to talk to her, He was happy! but alas it was only for a few minutes...

After the conversation, they had to bid farewell. Maybe some other time they would see each other. J said goodbye and so did Toshiro. It was time to rest... Now Toshiro is alone once more and once again falling into deep thought...

Many things

2011-03-08T04:30:00.000-08:00

Toshiro wanted so many things right now, but most of those things he wanted to do, to say to, to see with her. He wanted to say "I miss you." He wanted to go somewhere with her. He wanted to spend time with her. He wanted to eat something with her. He wanted to watch the stars with her. He wanted to embrace her. He wanted to stroke her hair. He wanted to hold her hand. he wanted so many things, so many words to say, so many acts of affection, so many journeys not taken, But the thing he wanted the most is to do or most likely to say is....

"I Love you. I miss you. I want to be with you."

Toshiro tries to understand his feelings

2011-03-07T00:53:00.000-08:00

Toshiro started to arrange the feelings he had. All the mixed emotions that were squeezed in to his heart. All the major and minor stress that he felt were all coming from his emotions. He wanted to understand them and calm the turmoil he has been feeling for the sake of positivity. He started to list his feelings down,

Jealousy

Anger

Sorrow

Pain

Confused

Guilt

Condemned

Unworthy

Alone

Depressed

Uneasy

Wishful

Rejected

There were many more emotions mixed within those but Toshiro only listed the ones the most affect his way of thinking. He was still unable to understand what is going on within himself. He found out that there is still one of his emotions that is intact. But he did not know what to do with this emotion. It is the emotion that created all the other listed feelings. It was Love. He was still definitely in-Love with her. He really didn't understand why, after all that has happened, he is still deeply in-Love with her. He felt that he sure of this. He really, really is madly in-love with her, that is why he can't let go so easily. He doesn't want to let go.

LOVE

She was everything...

2011-03-06T06:38:00.000-08:00

She was everything and yet can't be compared to anything.

Toshiro misses her, he started to remember things that he may never see, hear, & feel. Toshiro was lying down on his bed, gripping his pillow tight, remembering and reminiscing her. He said to himself, "Her eyes, if you look into them, you see beauty and innocence. Her embrace, is loving and strong. Her hands, if you hold them, they're soft and warm. Her hair, is silky and smooth. Her lips are bright red and inviting. her skin is smooth and fair. Her touch, is subtle but caring. Her voice, is sweet and understanding. Her personality is childish but responsible. Her character is strong but friendly. She is the most eccentric human being I have met, and yet she is the most beautiful person I know now."

" She is my everything."

Toshiro paused for a moment then talked to himself agian.

"I miss her and I will always love her."

Audible feelings

2011-03-05T08:55:00.001-08:00

This is what Toshiro felt when he saw her. And this is still what he feels even more now. He was unable to explain his feelings to himself, so he looked for a song that relates to at least one of the feelings during his comfuzzled relationship. He sang to himself. he sang with all his heart, but he sang softly, where only his heart can hear it, because Toshiro's heart needs someone to lullaby it. he sang

"You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you."

with a soft and fading voice, he sang...

He and She

2011-03-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

Toshiro was in deep thought the past few hours. He has been thinking about his relationship with her. As he remembered, when he said "I love you" she would answer "I love you too." He would smile and she would blush. He would look into her eyes, she would open her eyes as wide as she can and then look away. He would dance like a fool and she would stop him. He would laugh and she would smile. He would be busy with something, she would kiss him suddenly. He would hug her and she would hug back. And when he thought he heard that their love would last Forever, there was no such thing, apparently, he was only thinking that there was.... he tried to understand her, she tried to be there for him. He tried to be the perfect boyfriend, She was already Perfect. He wanted it to be a "forever." he wanted it to last, he wanted her, he was deeply in-love with her,

he and she were different.

The dream

2011-03-04T00:12:00.000-08:00

Toshiro had a dream last night. He was happy in his dream, because he was with his loved one. It was like old times, when they would talk to eachother. they were having a cup of coffee then. Everything else was white and blurry but Toshiro saw her soo clearly, she was there in front of him, he was there in front of her, he reached out to touch her hand, he felt the warmth of her hand. could this be true? Is she really here with me? I hope this never ends. Toshiro told himself but exactly at that moment, something caught his eye and he turned to his left. She was there smiling and walking away. Then Toshiro awoke, at first, silence, then he heard his fan buzzing, the birds chirping, the wind blowing, the leaves brushing against each other.

He was alone.

The date

2011-03-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

The date is March 4, 2011, but It's not the month or the year Toshiro is thinking about. It's the number 4. Today he was or it should have been 4 years and 9 months. It should have been...

That's what he is thinking about. why? when? where? and how? could've it gone wrong.... only qusetions popped into Toshiro's head. he didn't find the answers nor the solutions to his problems at the moment. All he could do is sit there and take another gulp of the drink beside him. What will I do now? he asks the other Toshiro who was looking at him thru a mirror but the question was thrown back at him.

Toshiro on looks the great depression in him...

2011-03-02T21:58:00.000-08:00

As Toshiro sits down and has a cup of coffee....

he thinks about the situation he is in right now...

he looks back to his cup of coffee and thinks to himself.....

I remember, not soo long ago, I shared my cup of coffee with someone....

someone special, someone who was beautiful, loving, kind, caring, sweet....

a friend who also is a lover......

I remember her so clearly, and yet why is not with me?

Toshiro asks himself....

He takes a sip from the cup of coffee...

lights a cigarette.... then his mind wanders off to nowhere.....

What the effin' is wrong...

2011-03-01T13:25:00.001-08:00

I dunno....

I can't understand anymore.....

my brain does not register the facts of life...

I don't want to accept reality....

It's like fallacy but it feels sooo freakin' real....

I pains me to see the truth...

that I am a hindrance to her.....

That I am a small spec in life that could be simply replaced with him...

I freaking want to shout my lungs out and rip my heart...

to feel no pain...

to be numb.....

to be selfish....

to be human....

I want to be free....

from hatred...

jealousy....

uneasiness....

anger.....

desire....

I want nothing......

I am wrong....

please don't...

2009-06-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

please don't do anything rash Toshiro. This is not what I intended for to happen. Just please don't...

blank......

2009-06-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

Not soo good anymore, that is how Toshiro feels. He has no way of Thinking straight. He fell into a hole he dug himself and he can't seem to climb up that hole. He keeps on trying and trying and trying, but he fails and fails and fails. This is something he really wants to get out of. It's a problem he can't run away from. Because, if he doesn't solve this he will lose every single thing that he had wished for, that he had hoped for... This is something he must face like all the other times he tried to face it but got scared. He was now in shock, in panic, in anger, in pain, in darkness. Toshiro is now at the edge of cliff in his mind, soo scared to look down, trying to grab something just to hold on, He dosen't want to fall into the darkness. he doesn't want to be left all alone, he desn't want to lose, he doesn't want to be here at this moment in time, at this cold place he is in, at this empty space where no one is beside him... he writes something and......

Toshiro's mid-day madness...

2009-06-21T02:33:00.000-07:00

Toshiro did not understand, but he felt it. He realized that amongst everything that has happened to him this may be the last thing he ever does feel. Will insanity be his last path? or may he walk the other way? What must he do for his atonement? Innocence of the world is not a crime. It is just pushed unto him. May he not be himself? May he not be Toshiro?

Present...

2009-06-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

The words that once filled my heart, now tore it open...
The sweetness that once was there, now has turned to silence...
The happiness which was once felt, is now noting more than a dream...

It hurts soo much that no one would understand...
It feels to painful for anyone to do anything....
It squeezes my heart but I feel like I'm suffocating...

First I thought I was only Dreaming,
Then I found out the truth.
That this could never be a Dream...
because Everything hurts soo True..

I cannot simply understand...
I cannot find my way...
I cannot believe your words....
I was hoping for you to stay...

Now there is something wrong..
Now there is nothing left...
Now there is just now...
The future I dream't about is gone...

hello?

2009-05-07T00:18:00.000-07:00

The slightest change in tone....
The simple change of Dictation......
The Certain choice of Words.....

I already Know....

The voice that was Once Sweet
is now Filled with Sorrow....
The spoken Words that were Said
with Care are now suddenly Plain and Blunt...
The Answers the were lovingly mouthed
are Now enticed With Sadness.....
The calm Breathing has now turned
to Breathing heavily...

From this I Know..
I know that...
You
are
Sad...

Then it happened...

2009-05-02T04:58:00.000-07:00

For so long to date, I have unwritten. Nothing in mind, nothing in soul...
Each task done with no thought, each step taken had no place....
Then it happened....

Below the Pits...

2009-03-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

Something within....

Crawls.....

Slowly Moves.....

Clawing its way....

Scratching on the walls within.....

Trying to move up.......

Little By little......

Slowly but surely.....

Without Hesitation.....

It is Coming......

Words of :
TAONG LASING

Next step....

2009-03-11T02:21:00.000-07:00

Life goes by in the blink of an eye.
you don't know what you are doing
You don't know why.
You keep on fighting
even though you'll fall
That's why I'm writing.
This is for you all.

Life goes by in the blink of an eye.
Each step taken is a new pace forward.
In each troubling situation
there is a solution.
Each written word is a testament
to the new world.
Creating a story for those
who learn it in history.

Life goes by in the blink of an eye.
Stand up my brother.
We must move further.
Even though we falter.
That is no reason to fight among each other.
There is this and there is that
but we must choose our own path.

Life goes by in the blink of an eye
Stop being scared
and stop your blaming
because life is rare
stand up and start trying.
life is too short for complexities
reach and let's build cities.

life goes by in the blink of an eye
You only get one chance to live.
so give it all you have to give.

Notice

2009-03-08T03:07:00.000-07:00

Upon realizing his problem, Toshiro was troubled with what has happened. He said to himself "I didn't realize this until it was too late." But now he knew what he should do. He asked himself if he can still fight for it. He only came up with one answer. He will do what he can and he will do his best.

Insight

2009-03-06T07:25:00.000-08:00

When Toshiro awoke, he didn't even know what happened the night before. He felt that there was something wrong, he felt that his world has changed. he slowly got up from his futon and walked into the bathroom. He washed his face, then glanced into the mirror above the sink. He didn't understand what was wrong with him, his body was heavy, his mind was numb, and his heart was crying.

Crying Angel

2009-02-20T00:02:00.000-08:00

Even though you shed tears
Even though you are sad
Even when things get gloomy

Even though you're in sorrow
Even when you're troubled
Even though there are problems

Even if everything crashes down
around
Even though everything is hazy
Even when you can't speak a word

I would wipe your tears and say
"Even when you cry you are still
beautiful, Even when you're sad,
you're still my angel.
nothing will change that"

Everything in the middle..

2009-02-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that not everything will stay the same.
Everything will come and go, every life will be born and will die.
Time will come, days then years will pass, everything will grow old.
Animals will live then die, plants will grow then wither and humans well.....

But there are things that die out faster than others, nothing is really the same.
Experiences in life don't last that long, some may last seconds, some may last minutes,
some may last days or even years, you're considered lucky if it lasts a lifetime.
The experiences I am talking about here is happiness, fulfillment, relationships, friends and love.

These are the experiences that most of us talk about. These are the things we should talk about.
Everything in the middle, everything that makes us who we are, everything that we do during our life. Everything will change, that is a given, what we have to do is accept the change and keep on living.Everything in the middle is beautiful,YES, but that depends on the person to if it is beautiful or not.

Old people always talk about when they were young, youngsters always talk about when they grow up, But when you're in the middle you always switch your side, you say when I was young or when I am old...
Well, for me that is, the best thing anyone can do is always live in the middle of life.

LIVE, LOVE, WORK, PLAY then die.

Contrasting Characteristics

2009-02-02T02:15:00.000-08:00

It suddenly came to me when I was taking a nice warm bath. I thought and I knew that the us Filipinos are very hygienic people, in fact we are one of the most hygienic people in the world(other than the Japanese). But are we only supposed to be clean with ourselves? Shouldn't we also be clean with our environment? Why do we only limit ourselves to self cleanliness?

I believe that we could do more than being hygienic. I know that I did my share of pollution, I threw small amounts of thrash here and there but that was before I thought about the way it might affect the environment for the next generation. When I learned about how much it may affect the environment, I started throwing my trash in the right place. There is always a right place for everything, even for trash. think about it, what would happen to the environment if you keep throwing trash anywhere you want. It is a slow process of killing the environment for the next generation. I know its not a simple task but it must have effort from our part. There is this shot sign I read "MALIIT NA BASURA, IBULSA MUNA." and I have been following it since I read it about 2-3 years ago. It is quite easy, you put the small trash in your pocket or bag and when you get home or to any place that has a garbage can you can throw away. A simple task but if everybody does it, it will save alot of environment for the future generation.

Quote from me to you....

2009-01-30T00:57:00.000-08:00

If love is lost then look for it.
If love runs from you, run after it.
If love deceives you, then shed light to see through it.

If love abandons you, then get adopted.
If you found love, don't ever let go.

Ice Cold...

2009-01-28T03:31:00.000-08:00

Ice is a wonderful thing isn't it?

In hot weather, it cools our drinks.
It relieves the heat.
It refreshes the body.
Cold drinks quenches thirst on a hot day.
It excites anyone who feels warm.
Just to see a favorite drink with
ICE in it pleasures the mind.

As nice as ICE is,
It could also be a worry.
If you drink too quickly a
cold Drink you get a brain freeze.
If you step on ICE you slip and fall.
If chew on ICE it may break your teeth.
If you leave it alone it could melt.

But well, ICE is always a good pain reliever.Ü

Dying to be killed....

2009-01-27T01:57:00.000-08:00

It is always like this.
When there is a sharp pain you feel.
When the world darkens around you.
When there is something missing.
When almost all hope is lost.
When help is too far away.
When love turns away.
When friends take a step back.
When enemies cast a shadow.
When an situation goes all wrong.
When you spent the last of your strength
and still haven't reached your goal.
When you loosing something/someone.
When hatred is among us.
It is always like this.
So numb to everything else,
Grasping for air,
Reaching out,
Body feeling heavy,
Mind and soul twisted and bent,
Can't think, Can't sleep, Can't eat
laying, just laying
not moving a muscle,
waiting to be killed.....

young but old

2009-01-25T22:52:00.000-08:00

Funny thing isn't it? It always usually like this. The young try to be old. I remember when I was young I always wanted to grow up as fast as I could. I always wanted, well not really always, but I wanted to do the stuff that grown-ups do. Now to think of it, I wanted to work, I wanted to have a nice life where I could do everything I wanted. But reality hurts, real badly, if i could say.

Now that I'm old enough to know things, I'm old enough to see different things and experience different situations of the adult world. It really is not what I expected when I was young.

And now if I could face myself as a child I would want to tell myself while you're young you should just enjoy life as it is because when you get old you'll be wishing you were still young where everybody loves you and when you make mistakes they are not really your fault because you are still learning. That's maybe what I could say. And If I was young I would say to my older self that I did everything wrong. I would say to my older self that you are not doing what you wanted to do, what I wanted to be.

So, to think about it, I really don't know what happened. But, there maybe still something I can do, I could do. I could just be myself. I could be both, me as a young child and me as an adult.
I should enjoy life now that I am old but make decisions for myself and stick to the things I have chosen to do. Maybe that's the truth of all this. We should never forget the things we said when we were young.

LOOK!!!!

2009-01-25T09:14:00.000-08:00

Minsan nasa kanan ka.......

Minsan nasa kaliwa ka.......

Minsan nasa gitna ka ng lahat.....

Minsan
naman
justified
ka.........

huh? hahaha

pero

tama

naman

ako

di ba?

Empty

2009-01-25T08:48:00.000-08:00

My lips are dry
My mind is blank
My body is weak
My heart is broken
The future is dark

I look into myself,
I see nothing but night
I dive into my soul
but there is nothing there

I take a few steps forward
but it's like I never moved at all
I am drenched in tears
but it feels like
there is no end to this

Even though I cry
no one will ever hear me
because I cry alone
alone in the emptiness of my heart

Being Idle...

2009-01-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

Life is a lot like water.
And we are the ones who dwell within it.
Water sustains the most beautiful of creatures.
but does it matter if the water is stagnant or moving?
The ocean for example gives life to hundreds of different
species of underwater sea creatures.
It sure lovely to see the ocean and hear its waves.
but that's not what I really wanna talk about.
I want to talk about the way life is.
life like the ocean and seas have calm times,
when everything is serene and moves slowly.
life like the ocean also has times times of anger,
when a storm comes, tragedy strikes, waves upon
waves come pushing and tugging, crashing into one another.
life also has those sorrow times, look at the ocean at night and
you'll see the sadness. waves darkened in the night,
brushing the shores as if asking for help.
These are all the part of life.
but there is one more thing to think about.
water also becomes stagnant.
like when the ocean leaves a small pool in the sand.
this is also part of life.
but it still breeds life.
like the little insects and small creature.
being in the stagnant phase of life is nothing to be ashamed about.
its part of life.
But be sure you fine your way back to the ocean...

Here I start...

2009-01-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

I am here, though its been along time since I had something to write. I wrote some of my stuff in other websites but now I'm here to start. I feel though it relieves me of something, something less to think about, something that either beckons to annoy me or surprise me. The truth is i just want to let it out.